I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
