So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
