mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
