Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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