I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
