remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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