it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
