i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
