If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
