at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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