That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
