I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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