was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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