I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
