Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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