You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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