she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
