i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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