Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
