dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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