just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
