All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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