Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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