i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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