She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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