doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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