I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
