If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
