Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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