Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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