I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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