Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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