if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
