He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
