these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
