White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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