if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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