i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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