I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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