he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
