So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
