I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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