What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
