The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
