My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
