worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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