I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
