just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
