I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
