a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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