I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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