DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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